When I woke yesterday, the bedroom was already bright, and I was groggy and confused. I was alone – no husband, no little ones, no cell phone, not even the dog. I found pants and glasses, and shuffled out to see if the world had ended and I had somehow been forgotten.

It turns out I had been remembered. It was eight o’clock, practically afternoon in this mama’s eyes, and I had been left to catch up on sleep without interruption. My littles greeted me with a chorus of “Happy Birthday Mama!” as their daddy and doggie watched them play nicely in their room.

It was generally a quiet day. I rode along to drop our big girl at school and get water at the spring. On our way back into town, we waited while two pickups in front of us finished their country road conversation, stopping traffic and chatting out their windows to each other. As the one truck continued toward us, we realized we knew the driver and waved. He stopped and said, “Oh! I do know you!” and so we became the other vehicle, blocking the road to chat.

On to the library, where we visited with Ms. Alice the librarian and Beans showed off her purple apron smock, an art-time favorite that had been incorporated into her attire for the day. I promised to email Alice the apron pattern to use for her granddaughter, and we left a coffee can on the counter to collect Box Tops from our neighbors (because part of searching for my place in this community has included joining the parent/teacher group and taking on the role of Box Tops Coordinator).

Home again for lunch and an afternoon at my computer for work, trying to hammer some things out while ignoring the sister spats in the next room. Because life doesn’t stop just for birthdays!

J suggested dinner out, and so we trooped to a family-friendly place for burgers and fries, a much-deserved beer for mama, and a BIG mint brownie milkshake to share, four spoons. No cooking, no dishes. A lovely gift.

With the temperature dropping rapidly, we skated across the parking lot carrying babies and balloons on sticks, and headed home once again. J quickly plugged in to his online seminars as I snuggled full bellies and guided gangly arms and legs into jammies. A late night movie with my love, and the day was over.

I’ve been expecting 35 to feel monumental. To feel depressing, if I’m being honest. It puts me very decidedly into the “adult” category and I’ve wondered lately if I’ve accomplished enough to have earned that label. A friend texted me last night that 35 has been a really great year for her, and that was encouraging because instead of melancholy, I’ve been feeling this sense of…potential. As if my lifelong affliction with impostor syndrome is slipping away. I’m ready to do some things. Maybe they’ll be GREAT. And maybe they’ll be great. But I’m going to do them this year, and I’m not going to let myself get in my way. Once I figure out what they are, of course.

Thanks for the birthday wishes, my friends. I am grateful for you!

Or rather, we gathered in solidarity. We didn’t have a permit to actually march, and so an estimated 10,000 people from all over Maine descended on our state house this morning, a “sister march” to our sisters actually marching on our nation’s capital. The diversity of ages in attendance was remarkable – tiny littles on their mama’s chests to elders with gray beards and canes – as was the atmosphere of kindness, love and respect. I didn’t hear a single harsh interaction; on the contrary, I was the recipient of smiles and gentle words.

I would be very surprised if anyone, ever in my lifetime, used the word radical in reference to me. Perhaps I am not the type of person one would expect to pound the pavement in protest, and that’s alright. I’ve even written here before how I don’t believe this is my season to be an activist. And yet, this didn’t feel radical for me – it felt right.

This was not specifically a pro-abortion or anti-Trump rally. This was a pro-women statement! It’s about the right to choose who we love – not just man or woman, but which man or woman. It’s about the right to an education, and the right to speak out on our beliefs. It’s being a voice for the trees, and the birds, and the water! It’s about the right to have six children, or zero, or somewhere in-between. It’s standing up for ourselves and our families, raising our boys to be strong compassionate men who respect and honor our daughters and sisters, working with them as equal partners. It’s about climbing the corporate ladder or devoting ourselves to our homes – and not being belittled for either choice. And yes, it’s about providing adequate care and services for women everywhere – regardless of color, marital status, tax bracket, or what have you, even if her choices don’t match up with your beliefs. It’s love and kindness, plain and simple.

Why wouldn’t you march for that?

I took my children and my veteran husband. Or rather, he took us – found us a parking spot and gave us an exit plan should we need to make a quick getaway (hope for the best, prepare for the worst). He’s not much for crowds, but he knew this was important to me, for me, and for our girls. It was such an experience.

And yet. I am left with a very strong feeling of, now what?

I acquired a teeny set of pink skates at the winter swap a couple of months back, thanks to a kind mama who brought them specifically for my girl, and kept them a surprise until just recently. When the lake really began to freeze, I brought them out and told Swee that when the lake was ready, we would go. The lake is ready, and today was the day.

A friend texted early to tell me that a kind neighbor had plowed the snow off of a section of the ice to make a skating rink, and would we like to join them today? I remarked to her that I am consistently blown away by what people do for the good of others around here, without expecting compensation, and yes – we would love to skate!

Promptly at noon, we were sitting on the shore lacing up Swee’s skates, and off we went, wobbling and sliding. She quickly moved from excited, to panicked, to balanced and happy, so I think we’ll be finding three more pairs so the rest of the family can skate with her.

We could have sat at home, glued to the tv in dismay. We skated instead, and it was lovely.

 

Frugal dinner: ham and bean soup

Who’s up for a #FrugalFebruary challenge?

We’ve been on a bit of a bender the past two months. For the first time in our eleven and a half year relationship, we are finishing the months with a true financial surplus, even after catching up on things that previously had to be put on the back burner. We’re paying down debts (big, vulnerable post coming on that…soon) and boosting our savings account. And with the loosening of the belt, we indulged a little bit. A little bit more than I’m happy with, in hindsight. We didn’t go overboard with Christmas gifts in number, but we bought some bigger non-essentials for each other than we usually would have – a gift card for books! a reciprocating saw (NIB, secondhand, but still)! a quality baby doll! – and purchased pricey tickets in advance for a belated birthday date night next month. We keep beer in the fridge, and we’ve been eating more luxury items – salmon and red meat instead of just chicken. Bacon. Berries and farm fresh eggs.

It is an exceedingly rare occasion that I do not experience buyer’s remorse after a purchase. Of any size, any type. I don’t like that feeling, and it has led me to be very careful about how I spend money. Put that trait with our strong desire to be debt-free, AND the fact that we live in the country with very few places to spend, AND that I no longer leave the house to work, eliminating trips to the coffee shop or to the deli for lunch – I no longer spend much outside of our grocery bill.

When we lived apart, things got pretty bad financially. The situation dragged on far longer than we anticipated, and we were both bringing in less money than we budgeted. I spent nothing because there was nothing to spend, and that was that. It was horrendous, and I’m glad we have bounced back, so I realize it is a privilege that I can even consider planning this as a choice and not a necessity. That is most certainly not lost on me.

Part of my motivation to try this experiment is so that we have even more of a cushion, so that we can sock away more cash to insure we don’t wind up robbing Peter to pay Paul in the future. I know there are still ways to trim the fat here, so to speak. I’m not going to force my family to play along, but to be honest, I’m the spender here. J really only buys snacks and drinks to/from work or school, and if I pack them for him, he doesn’t need to.

So! My approach to a No Spend Month:

– No purchased snacks, beverages or meals outside the home for the month of February, with the exception of our pre-planned birthday date. I often pack J’s dinner for work, but I’ve gotten lax about doing so – time to start planning ahead.

– No clothing for myself or family, except in an emergency. I have plastic storage tubs filled with clothes in the next size up for both girls, so they should be ok, and I think J is pretty much set.

– No sneaking extra goodies into the grocery cart! This is the fat: the fun lip balm, the fancy chocolate, the non-essential seltzer. A new flavor of tea when I already have five boxes in the cabinet. Those are the items that make up my “recreational” purchases these days.

– Yes to paying all of the regular bills – rent, insurance, phones, internet, debts.

– Yes to emergencies – auto expenses that can’t wait, medical issues, educational needs.

– Yes to groceries and basic toiletries – BUT with an emphasis on cutting costs while still making healthy choices.

– Check in weekly to share the highs and lows – here, and on Instagram with #FrugalFebruary and #NoSpendMonth

I don’t know that this will be earth-shattering for me, but I could be wrong. I do know that I’m interested in seeing what happens, and in tallying just how much less we spend when we make the conscious choice not to.

Care to join me? I’m interested to know how this would look for your family, what you’d hope to gain from the experience, and your general thoughts. Have you attempted anything like this before, by choice? I’d love to follow along if you leave your IG or blog link in the comments!

– I ducked out for several hours today and went for a drive to explore an indoor flea market. It was a bit further away than I planned, but upon arrival, I was greeted by a three-story warehouse filled with vintage goodies. It’s been quite a while since I’ve been truly alone (with no prescribed task of grocery shopping or holding down the fort after bedtime) and it was a bit of an odd sensation to wander alone. I wandered and poked around for close to two hours before joining the line to check out. The guy working the register chuckled when he saw my shopping list, a complete necessity to keep from becoming overwhelmed by the sheer volume available, though I admit, rather silly. I didn’t find everything I’ve been looking for, but did come home with a gorgeous Pyrex mixing bowl and a 9″ pie plate, a crock for kitchen utensils, a pretty hankie and a cookie cutter, and two maple lollipops for my little ladies. Total spent: $21. I’m still looking for a pair of milk glass candle holders and a telephone table for the foyer, along with several other little things.

– I stopped on the way home to snap a couple photos looking down on the Alpine ski school nearby. The lake below is frozen and the snow machines are pumping.

– Spicy potato soup and homemade bread, the first loaf I’ve baked myself here at home. My girls wouldn’t eat the soup, even in a milder state than written, but it was a nice, warming meal.

– Music! For how important music has been in my life, I realized we rarely play anything during the day. I find that with the constant input from the girls, I just can’t handle the additional layer of noise. It makes me a little nutty to have songs playing on top of our normal conversation and chatter. And yet, I believe so strongly in the importance of music, of all kinds. I’ve been trying to play Pandora while I prep dinner or do the dishes so that the girls are exposed to all different kinds of sounds. We had a dance party the other night to Taylor Swift and then moved on to Mama’s favorite CSNY songs.

– Sweebee and Beans were gifted subscriptions to Little Passports for Christmas, and have enjoyed the science experiments that were included in Swee’s first kit. They built a volcano with daddy this week, and we’re preparing for an eruption tomorrow.

And so we move into a new week.

 

Bright and cold. The sun on the snow is making me squint, even here at my desk. We got another couple of inches last night, just enough to make things look clean again by hiding the dirt. That sounds like a metaphor for the New Year, if I ever heard one – just shiny enough that we are able to overlook the crud carrying over from one calendar to the next; just bright enough to inspire hope for a fresh beginning, a fresh layer of white snow.

Eight days in, I’m working to keep my enthusiasm, as one kind reader encouraged me to do. Bringing little things into my days to keep myself moving forward.

– I cleaned my office. There is now a wide swath of open floor next to me, and the cardboard boxes have been restacked neatly behind me, where I can’t see them as I work. Renting a place without any real storage necessitates that my office also double as a holding room for things we don’t want to unpack here, but it doesn’t have to become a dumping ground. I purged, mostly paper. I refolded my fabric stash, and finally organized all of my pins and scissors and tools into the sewing basket my parents gave me…three Christmases ago. My plants are freshened, my photos rearranged, and I have a fresh doily on my vintage picnic baskets for my diffuser to rest on. Making the space work for me.

– Instagram! My word, there’s a whole world of like-minded people in there. I’m new to the platform (posted #19 this morning!) and have a wonderful friend and colleague to thank for the introduction. I don’t know what I found so intimidating – it’s right up my alley with the beautiful images and celebration of small moments. Check out #instagramhomesteaders – such a cool group of (mostly) women who are living this crazy alternative to the mainstream, in whatever way they define it for themselves and their families. And if you’re inclined, you can follow my nonsense too – @kirsti125

– I’m trying a very loose variation of the Whole30 this month, attempting to get a handle on my own system. My hope is to find the source of my eczema, a pursuit that was completely pooh-poohed by my dermatologist some years ago, preferring instead to just prescribe me a cream. Because why find the root of the issue when you can slap a bandaid on it, yes? The rashes come and go, mostly on my hands, and sometimes flare up to the point that I can’t wear rings or make a fist. It’s not life-threatening, but definitely painful and inconvenient. Anyway. Silly me, I decided to give Whole30 a whirl after doing our shopping, so I haven’t completely cut the grains – still enjoying a slice of toast with my eggs, but goodbye to the pasta and rice. When it comes to coffee, I’m a cream and sugar girl, though far less than most – I haven’t changed that, but sweets and dairy are gone elsewhere. Just a few days in and I’ve had a sign that I should try this for real, no cheats: I neglected my own care the other day and allowed myself to get too hungry, so J made me a grilled cheese sandwich. Goodness, the stomach issues that arrived that afternoon! I’ll spare you, but suffice to say, I think we may have uncovered the return of my childhood milk problems.

– Things that bring me joy! Tea in a pretty new mug, a surprise gift in the mail. Coloring! Practical knowledge of my oils – wearing Frankincense and learning so much. Crayons for little visitors during work hours, and a lamp with a story. And chickens! Oh the chickens, in all forms. They are an endless source of conversation and entertainment.

What are you doing with your fresh start?

 

It would appear that the general consensus is a hearty “good riddance” to 2016. Yes, it’s been an arduous year, in many ways. That fact is undeniable. And yet, as glad as I am to turn the calendar, I am also thankful for the journey because 2016 set my family up for big things in the coming year.

We worked hard this year, all of us, quietly laying the foundation for what’s to come. Some of our efforts feel thankless and boring, lacking tangible outcomes at this point. But we can’t build up without the strong base, and so every small step is a step in the right direction.

I was hesitant to share details of my goals in this space last January. They felt really personal, and if we’re being honest with one another, I was afraid of laying things out and then having to admit to failure. Because of course, not reaching my goals equals failure, right? Insanity. Perhaps it’s been a year of personal growth in that area because I’m not feeling any of that right now – and I actually didn’t hit any of my goals for 2016.

– Read 30 books in the Goodreads Challenge: I read 29. And a half. I just couldn’t dig in and get it done. I’m pretty happy with a total of 29, however. Growing up, I was the girl walking down the school hallways, reading. I often got in trouble for hiding a novel under my desk during the lecture. I read a lot when I lived alone in my first apartment, but kind of ran out of time for it when I had kids, so the whole point of this challenge for me was to deliberately make time for books.

– Make self-care a priority: This one will go back on the list for 2017 because there’s certainly room for improvement. I went in fits and spurts this year, renewing my yoga pass and walking with some of the other moms in the mornings, but couldn’t seem to stick to either with any regularity. With J starting nursing school and adding clinicals to our schedule, I will need to be even more intentional about creating time for myself.

– Reduce grocery budget through meal planning: Our grocery budget has actually increased! The girls are eating a lot more now than I anticipated, but I’m also buying better food – healthier, less processed, more organic and non-GMO. I really slacked off on planning meals ahead of time, and I think it’s because J is rarely here for dinner so I don’t always want to cook a full meal – crazy to not cook for three of us just because one isn’t here! Again, there’s room for improvement.

I’m seeing a theme. Making time. 

Laying out the list like this also makes it terribly clear just how much we did that wasn’t outlined as a “goal.” We have chickens! I learned to actually knit and follow a basic pattern. My sewing machine saw more use than ever before. We are paying down debts at a breakneck pace. The tools we will need to care for our own land and property are being acquired slowly and economically. I squashed hornworms and baked bread and grew broccoli! We have two healthy, bright, beautiful, kind little people, and my amazing husband has proved to himself that yes he can find academic and professional success. It was a big year with much preparation accomplished behind the scenes. And we’re ready to meet the new year, head on. I can’t help but think that 2017 is going to be our year, and I’m fairly bursting with the excitement of that feeling.